How to Choose a Lifelong Mate

One of the major issues that people face when choosing a mate is finding someone that they consider to be their type.  Too many people have a specific visual image in mind of what their special someone should look like.  But by having this preconceived notion many viable choices can be overlooked.  Remember, it is what is on the inside of the person that makes for a successful long term relationship.

It is important to know yourself so that you can begin to recognize your relationship patterns. Avoid focusing on physical characteristics or material possessions alone, for this could lead you to unsuccessful love connections.

Lasting love comes in many different packages. You should not be limited by physical attraction and first impressions, they are too narrow. Of course consider your first thoughts and feelings, but look beyond them to see who the person really is.

 Ask yourself, if this person wasn’t so sexy, would he/she be a candidate for your mate?

Remember, being open to difference increases your chances of finding your soul mate.

Don’t let finding a mate be your primary focus. Enjoying your life and making social connections should be your goal instead. Do things that are fun and you will meet others who have similar interests and ideas. Remember, lasting love is often built on shared pursuits and values, so go out with an open mind.

Relationships should be consciously selected, after you have some ideas about what really matters to you. Continue to expand your view of possible candidates.  This will help you to identify the things that you must have in a potential mate.  Don’t forget to be open to differences.

Most people will behave well in the beginning of a relationship, so take your time. Listen for clues when they talk about their past.  Be aware of how they treat others.  Observe how he/she behaves towards strangers like waiters and taxi drivers. All of this will give you information about their true nature. However, the most important background comes from how they treat themselves. If a person is unable to take care of themselves it is not possible for them to be there for you.

It is also important to experience the person when they are angry, it will give you clarity about their character and their self control. Long term relationships require the ability to fight and handle conflict.

Listen when they tell you who they are and avoid any belief that your love can change them. We have a hard enough time changing ourselves, it is impossible to change anyone else.

There are always people who need you, so beware if you are a care taker.  It is easy to mistake need for love. It is important to know the difference, because a needy person can be a bottomless pit of needs and wants, but incapable of giving love back.

Really get to know your potential mate before you commit.  Ask lots of questions and offer information about yourself. Your prospective partner needs to really get to know you. A relationship where you feel that you have to hide and not be yourself, cannot be healthy and long lasting. Authenticity is key to a successful relationship.

 Ask questions like:

Tell me something about you that no one knows?

If you had one thing in life that you could do over, what would it be?

Where do you see yourself  living in 5 years and what do you imagine doing?

Get a love history—what happened to prior relationships, how and why did they end?

What brings him /her joy?

Is it also what makes you tick?

Be clear about your goals and values before hand so that you can determine if there are similarities.

Talk to the potential mate about goals, religion, morals, culture, children, parenting, orderliness,  closeness,  family, money, credit scores, work/life balance, etc.  Listen, discuss and evaluate if there is room for negotiation between you both or if what is being said is a deal breaker.

If the potential mate is unable or unwilling to talk about these things then she/he is not a good choice. Lasting love requires the ability to share thoughts, feelings, emotions and goals.

You may enter or linger in an unhappy relationship because you don’t want to be alone. You may continue because the relationship serves functional purposes, such as financial, child rearing, simple companionship or broader social connections. Passing on a committed relationship or letting go of an unsatisfying one can be difficult, uncomfortable, even frightening, but it isn’t the end of the world. It can provide an opening for an unexpected love connection.

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One Response to How to Choose a Lifelong Mate

  1. Anonymous says:

    What is the best way to go about finding a mate? I know you said not to look for love but how can you position yourself to meet men with similar interests when most men don’t participate in the same activies as women. For example I love yoga but there are rarely ever any men in the class.

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