Let’s Talk About: Empathy and EQ in Relationships
Empathy and emotional intelligence (EQ) create the foundation for healthy relationships. They both strengthen relationships, but empathy is actually a component of emotional intelligence.
Empathy combines understanding with boundaries. It is the ability to understand and share another person’s emotional experience without necessarily agreeing with them. Emotional intelligence helps you respond to that understanding effectively.
Many people struggle with empathy due to stress, feeling judged or criticized, fear of vulnerability, unresolved emotional wounds, making assumptions, or focusing on being right rather than understanding the other person.
3 Types of Empathy:
🔵 Cognitive: Understanding another person’s perspective.
🔵 Emotional: Feeling some of what another person is experiencing.
🔵 Compassionate: Understanding someone’s feelings and taking supportive action.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, manage, and use emotions constructively.
5 Components of EQ
🔵 Self-awareness: Understanding how emotions influence thoughts and behaviors.
🔵 Self-regulation: Managing emotional reactions and not being controlled by them.
🔵 Motivation: Pursuing goals with resilience, purpose, and optimism.
🔵 Empathy: Understanding and appreciating another person’s emotions and perspective.
🔵 Social skills: Communicating effectively, building trust, and resolving conflict.
7 Things People With Emotional Intelligence Do
🔵 Listen without interrupting or trying to fix things.
🔵 Stay calm during disagreements.
🔵 Express needs clearly.
🔵 Recognize their emotions before reacting.
🔵 Offer validation even when disagreeing.
🔵 Recover more quickly after conflict.
🔵 Build trust through consistency and reliability.
7 Habits That Build Empathy and EQ
🔵 Pausing before responding, especially if upset.
🔵 Asking open-ended questions.
🔵 Reflecting back what you heard.
🔵 Noticing your emotions.
🔵 Validating someone’s emotions without giving advice.
🔵 Apologizing sincerely.
🔵 Showing appreciation.
Let’s Talk About: Social Comparison
Social comparison is when we compare our abilities, accomplishments, relationships, appearance, or life situations to others. When it happens too often, it can affect our mood, how we feel about ourselves, and our overall happiness.
We may feel jealous, angry, invisible, or like we’re not good enough. We may think that we’re not moving forward fast enough in life.
There are two distinct types of social comparison:
1) Upward Comparison:
Comparing yourself to someone you think is doing better.
🟢 A colleague who got promoted.
🟢 A friend who lost weight.
🟢 A neighbor who remodeled their home.
2) Downward Comparison:
Comparing yourself to someone you think is doing worse:
🟢 A relative who does not look their best.
🟢 A coworker with problems at work.
🟢 An acquaintance with marital issues.
Social media has made it much easier for us to compare ourselves to others because people usually post only the best parts of their lives. The pictures are carefully chosen and likely make them look happy, smart, or well connected.
It’s always about their successes rather than their struggles. This creates the illusion that everyone else is happier, more attractive, more successful, or more connected than they actually are.
When Social Comparison Is Unhealthy
🟢 You see someone else’s success as your failure.
🟢 Your mood changes after scrolling social media.
🟢 You keep questioning if you’re “good enough.”
🟢 You focus on what you don’t have.
🟢 You struggle to be happy for others.
Strategies to Help Reduce Unhealthy Social Comparison
🟢 Only compare yourself to who you were.
🟢 Have gratitude for the good things in your life.
🟢 Reduce how much you use social media.
🟢 Be happy for others.
🟢 Know that someone else’s success doesn’t reduce yours.
🟢 Remember that people reach goals at different times.
Success is about what matters to you, not other people. Be kind to yourself and focus on your values. Instead of comparing, think about your own growth. Instead of wondering, “Why am I not where they are?” Ask, “What’s my next important step?”
Research shows that although social comparison is difficult to avoid, how we frame it makes all the difference. Instead of judging ourselves, we can use it as a tool to keep us motivated.
Let’s Talk About: The Toxic Workplace–Part 2
In Part 1, we explored the characteristics of a toxic workplace. A toxic culture is not just an employee satisfaction issue; it is also an organizational performance issue. It affects productivity, innovation, employee well-being, customer satisfaction, and financial results while increasing turnover and reputational harm.
It also reduces an organization’s ability to achieve its mission and goals. Over time, even the most talented employees struggle to succeed. Organizations that foster trust, respect, accountability, and psychological safety are better positioned to attract talent, adapt to change, and achieve sustainable success.
10 Ways a Toxic Work Culture Affects Organizations
🟢 Less Trust Between:
Employees and leaders, coworkers, departments, teams, and the organization and its stakeholders.
🟢 More Burnout and Stress
Absenteeism, exhaustion, anxiety, depression, and higher healthcare utilization and expenses.
🟢 Less Employee Engagement
Minimal effort, quiet quitting, reduced creativity, no initiative, lack of ownership, and less accountability.
🟢 More Turnover
Increased recruitment and onboarding costs, and less team stability.
🟢 Poor Communication
Information hoarding, miscommunication, rumors, and less transparency.
🟢 More Legal Risk & Costs
Harassment and discrimination, settlements, retaliation against whistleblowers, financial misconduct, safety violations, legal liability, and regulatory penalties.
🟢 Less Productivity
Constant conflict, micromanagement, office politics, and unclear expectations.
🟢 More Reputation Damage
Negative employer reviews, reduced applicant pools, damage to brand reputation, loss of customer confidence, and increased scrutiny from investors and partners.
🟢 Less Innovation
Avoiding taking risks, staying silent during meetings, and following the status quo even when change is needed.
🟢 More Customer Complaints
Lower service quality, inconsistent experiences, less care from employees, more mistakes, and slower response times.
Let’s Talk About: The Toxic Workplace–Part 1
A toxic workplace is an environment where negative behaviors, unhealthy systems, or poor leadership undermine employees’ well-being, performance, and sense of psychological safety.
Unlike a workplace that is just stressful or busy, a toxic workplace has patterns that cause people to feel devalued, anxious, and unable to do their best work.
Employees often report feeling anxious before work and feeling emotionally exhausted at the end of the day. Some have difficulty sleeping, have headaches, or feel fatigued. Others watch what they say, and may feel isolated and/or excluded. Many lose confidence in their abilities.
Research teaches us that leadership has a strong influence on workplace culture. The major priority of a leader is to tend to the culture of the organization. Education leaders Steve Gurartnart and Todd Whitaker said it best: “The culture of any organization is shaped by the worst behavior the leader is willing to tolerate.”
Characteristics of a Toxic Workplace
🔵 Poor leadership: Micromanaging, playing favorites, failing to communicate, or avoiding accountability.
🔵 Lack of trust: Employees hesitate to speak up or admit mistakes for fear of retaliation.
🔵 Bullying or disrespect: Gossip, exclusion, intimidation, or public criticism are normalized.
🔵 Blame culture: A focus on assigning fault rather than solving problems or learning from mistakes.
🔵 Unclear expectations: Constantly changing priorities, conflicting instructions, and unrealistic workloads.
🔵 Lack of recognition: Hard work goes unnoticed, credit is often stolen, and criticism is frequent.
🔵 High turnover: Talented employees leave because they no longer feel supported or valued.
🔵 Burnout: Chronic overwork without adequate resources or recovery time.
🔵 Poor communication: Information is withheld, rumors replace facts, and transparency is lacking.
A difficult workplace is different than a toxic one. In a difficult workplace, there are temporary periods of high stress. Problems are addressed, leaders encourage solutions, and there is trust.
In a toxic workplace, there is chronic negativity, issues are ignored, and leaders often perpetuate the problems. There is fear and distrust, and mistakes are used to shame or punish.
Healthy leaders model respect, fairness, transparency, and accountability. Organizations that intentionally cultivate open communication are far more likely to achieve long-term success.
Healthy Leadership
🔵 Sets clear expectations
🔵 Encourages respectful disagreement
🔵 Admits mistakes
🔵 Recognizes accomplishments
🔵 Addresses conflict promptly
🔵 Treats people with respect
In Part 2, we will explore how companies are affected.
Let’s Talk About: People-Pleasing & Boundaries
People-pleasing and boundaries intersect. People-pleasers struggle to set boundaries, as they are focused on avoiding conflict, disappointment, and rejection. The article “Setting Boundaries If You Are a People-Pleaser” in Psychology Today teaches us that people-pleasers focus on what others need, and that focusing on their own limits feels uncomfortable.
While being helpful and kind is positive, people-pleasing is not healthy when you’re being unkind to yourself, and when it comes at the expense of your own well-being. Today, we will discuss setting boundaries and how to be a self-pleaser instead.
What People-Pleasing Looks Like
🟠 Saying “yes” when you want to say “no.”
🟠 Prioritizing others’ needs over your own.
🟠 Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions.
🟠 Seeking approval or validation through being helpful.
🟠 Feeling guilty when setting limits.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits you set to protect your time, energy, emotional well-being, physical space, values, and relationships. They help create relationships where expectations are clear. For many of us, setting boundaries is difficult—especially if we were rewarded for being agreeable.
What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like
Instead of saying “yes” to everything, think about what works best for you, and then communicate that clearly without apologizing or overexplaining.
🟠 “I’m not able to take that on right now.”
🟠 “I’m not comfortable with that.”
🟠 “No, thank you.”
🟠 “I won’t be able to make it.”
Signs You May Need Stronger Boundaries
🟠 You’re exhausted after helping.
🟠 You feel others expect too much.
🟠 You overcommit and then get overwhelmed.
🟠 You never ask for help.
🟠 You apologize for having needs.
🟠 You get very anxious about saying “no.”
4 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Agreeing to Something
- Do I want to do this?
- Do I have the time and energy?
- Am I afraid to say no?
- Will saying “yes” cause me stress or resentment?
Keep in mind that saying “no” to certain requests allows you to say “yes” to your own priorities and be a self-pleaser. It doesn’t mean caring less about others. It means caring more about yourself. Boundaries help relationships stay sustainable. This balance makes it easier to protect yourself and show up meaningfully for others.
Let’s Talk About: Needing to Be Liked
People naturally want to be liked. We all look for acceptance and a sense of belonging. The problem is not wanting to be liked, but needing everyone’s approval to feel safe or valuable.
Here are some signs that wanting to be liked might be too much:
🟡 You are always agreeable.
🟡 You change your mind to fit in.
🟡 You always consider what others may think.
🟡 You worry that you said the wrong thing.
🟡 You don’t share ideas for fear of being criticized.
🟡 You apologize too much.
🟡 You need to make others happy.
🟡 You take criticism as rejection, not as advice.
When being liked becomes your main focus, it can lead to feeling overwhelmed from always saying yes. You may struggle to set limits. You may feel upset from always putting others first.
Perhaps people only see the version of you that tries to please them. You may be missing the chance to lead, be creative, or speak up honestly.
When you don’t feel confident, getting approval can feel like proof that you’re valuable. In places that are very judging or competitive, people may feel they must always prove they’re accepted.
Know that not everyone will like you. There may or may not be a reason, and that’s ok. Focus on building mutual respect rather than trying to please everyone. Know that disagreeing doesn’t mean someone doesn’t like you.
People who are fine with not being liked by everyone don’t look for approval. They build relationships through being caring, interested, present, and true to themselves.
The goal isn’t to stop caring what others think. It’s to care more about living according to your values.
Let’s Talk About: How to Deal With Judgmental People
Judgmental people are individuals who frequently evaluate, criticize, or form negative opinions about others without fully understanding their experiences, motivations, or circumstances. It may show up as criticism, gossip, comparisons, stereotypes, or a need to point out flaws.
In addition to making assumptions, judgmental people often have rigid thinking and believe there is only one correct right way to live, work, communicate, or succeed. They are comparison-driven and quick to criticize and focus on what others do wrong. Dealing with them is challenging because their comments often feel personal, dismissive,
and undermining.
Judgment is prevalent in environments that reward competition, perfectionism, or blame. For some, judging others can be a way to lift their own confidence. The goal is not to change them, but to protect your feelings and respond intentionally.
4 Helpful Hints
🟠 Don’t let someone else’s judgment define you.
Useful feedback enables growth; judgment questions who you are. Judgmental comments often reflect the other person’s issues, including:
– Insecurities and fears
– The need to feel superior or in control
– Limited perspective or experiences
– Personal values that may not match yours
🟠 Do set clear boundaries
If someone belittles you, shames you, dismisses your feelings, or makes you feel small, reduce contact and keep conversations short. If someone criticizes you, be direct and explain that while you’re open to constructive feedback, you are not open to personal criticism.
– Example: “I don’t wish to discuss that topic.” Or “Let’s just focus on solutions.”
🟠 Don’t defend yourself
Judgmental people often draw you into explaining, proving, or arguing. A calm response takes away their power.
– “I understand that’s your perspective.”
– “We see this differently, and that’s fine.”
– “I’m comfortable with my decision.”
🟠 Do practice emotional distance
You can care about someone without letting their opinion define you. Separate their opinion from your reality.
– Their opinion: “You should be doing XYZ.”
Your reality: “I know what is right for my life.”
Let’s Talk About: The Difference Between Coaching and Therapy
Coaching and therapy can both help people lead happier lives, but they are different in several ways. The two roles can be very effective because they address different aspects of growth, but they are different in purpose and scope.
Coaching focuses on personal and professional development and helping clients move forward to reach their potential. Success is measured by growth.
Therapy focuses on reducing emotional suffering and improving functioning, including burnout. Success is measured by symptom reduction, goal achievement, and a better quality of life.
COACHING
🟡 A coach may not necessarily be a licensed mental health professional. The focus is on performance, goals, opportunities, challenges, strengths, and decision-making. Coaching is action-oriented, with accountability and goal setting.
THERAPY
🟡 A therapist is a licensed mental health professional who diagnoses and provides treatment for mental health conditions. The focus is on emotional wounds, family dynamics, trauma, limiting beliefs, coping, and mental health symptoms. Therapy helps with anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, addiction, burnout, and other concerns.
Coaching May Be a Good Fit For:
🟡 Advancing a Career.
🟡 Better work-life balance.
🟡 Accountability and motivation.
🟡 Improving leadership skills.
Therapy May Be a Better Fit For:
🟡 Persistent anxiety or depression.
🟡 Trauma, abuse, or grief.
🟡 Emotions that affect work, relationships, or daily life.
🟡 Understanding emotional patterns.
If You Can Find a Therapist Who Is Also a Coach
A therapist-coach can address both psychological and career issues. For example, someone experiencing burnout and the hidden cost of a high-pressure career might work with a therapist-coach to gain balance for sustainable success.
The work may include building or rebuilding confidence, improving time management, investing equally in personal and work life, and planning a future personal and career move.
Let’s Talk About: When the Work Becomes Too Heavy, Part 2
Last week, we began to explore why and how people “take the edge off.” We all need ways to manage our stress, anxiety, and disappointment. The question is whether the strategies we choose help us process our emotions or help us avoid them.
There is a distinct difference between healthy coping and avoidance. Healthy coping will reduce intense emotional feelings so you can gain clarity. Avoidance will numb or distract you for now, but leaves the original tension intact.
In her book Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown teaches us that “taking the edge off” is emotional numbing that brings only brief relief from pain. She notes that it is not rewarding, as it blocks us from feeling joy.
Here are more ways people avoid difficult feelings:
🟡 Compulsive eating and drinking
🟡 Constantly checking email
🟡 Habitual visits to a dispensary
🟡 Excessive daydreaming or fantasizing
🟡 Overworking and perfectionism
🟡 Constant planning or researching
🟡 Always saying “yes” to help others
🟡 Filling time with errands or projects
🟡 Ruminating rather than problem solving
🟡 Taking care of others while neglecting yourself
🟡 Intellectualizing emotions rather than feeling them
Everyone distracts themselves at times. But rather than eliminating difficult feelings, seek to reduce their intensity so you can face them more easily. The goal is to choose your strategies wisely, focusing on those that restore and replenish—not keep you stuck or make things worse.
Questions to Ask Yourself
As you begin to “take the edge off,” take a moment to ask:
🟡 How am I feeling right now?
🟡 Will this help me deal with my feelings or avoid them?
🟡 Is this the best choice I could make right now?
8 Healthy Ways to “Take the Edge Off”
🟡 Taking a walk
🟡 Calling a friend
🟡 Meditation
🟡 Stretching
🟡 Practicing deep breathing
🟡 Gardening
🟡 Listening to music
🟡 Taking a warm bath or shower
🟡 Creating something (drawing, knitting)
🟡 Watching a funny movie
If the world gets too heavy, and you’re feeling overwhelmed, you may want to consider a 12-step program (below). There are programs for every type of coping behavior that has become excessive.
Let’s Talk About: When the Work Becomes Too Heavy: Part 1
When the work of caring for others becomes heavy, remember that caring is both a strength and a challenge. Research informs us that carrying the weight of other people’s trauma, grief, and injustice can lead to compassion fatigue and burnout over time. The goal is not to care less, but to care in a way that is sustainable while acknowledging the emotional weight. The work matters, but so do the people doing the work.
In my practice, I’m seeing anger and irritability, difficulty in separating work from personal life, those too exhausted to have a personal life, and a rise in coping behaviors that soon take over. When the pressure does not stop, people reach for relief. Not always in obvious ways. Often in patterns, habits, and small decisions that add up. What starts as “taking the edge off” can slowly become a place to hide.
- Alcohol, drugs, cannabis, gummies, and edibles
- Overeating, shopping, gambling, sex
- Doom-scrolling, binge-watching TV, playing video games
High performers will rarely call it addiction. They call it managing stress, unwinding, and just getting through the day. Not because they are weak, but because the emotional load has been too heavy for too long. These behaviors can only offer temporary relief. In time, they take away clarity, presence, and connection.
6 Things You Can Do Now
- Set Boundaries
- Connect With Colleagues
- Practice Self-Care
- Celebrate Small Wins
- Grant Yourself Grace
- Seek Support
The greatest danger is not the behavior itself. It is the silence around it. This is where a therapist and a coach—or better yet, a therapist who is also a coach—can be helpful. In part 2, we will discuss addiction and taking the edge off.