First, Work on Yourself!

It is not about finding the right person, it is about being the right person. Many of us spend years trying to find the right person to make us happy and whole.

Healthy connections with others begin with you. Self-care is the key. You can learn to be your best self at whatever age you are.

Are you one of the many people who make an effort to look good because you want to attract someone? Then, when you find someone, you let things slide. You’re too tired. You may not keep up things you used to enjoy; you stop coloring your hair, watching the pounds and exercising, etc. You may gradually relax and before you know it, you aren’t feeling interesting, attractive or desirable. Self care must remain on the top of your list regardless of your relationship status. Caring for your self is the first step of being in a caring relationship. You cannot give what you don’t have!

We have all heard the old saying: you are your own worst critic. In order to have others think well of you, you must first think well of yourself. It is important to first determine what you truly need to work on, and what is just self torture. With a little bit of self-reflection and discovery, you can create a realistic plan for self care and improvement.

In order to be your best self, the first and most crucial thing to do is understand and appreciate all that you do have. A wise person once said: “when I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around.” These are words to live by, and when you live by them your life will turn around as well. Every morning when you wake up, remind yourself of all that you are thankful for, even the little things. Just waking up with a roof over your head and food in the fridge, with eyes that can see and loved ones just a phone call away, are all blessings. Starting off your day in this manner sets a precedent for the way that it will go. Try doing this for a minute or two each morning and remind yourself a few times during the day. You will begin to feel some difference by the end of the first day. It will ultimately impact how you feel about yourself and as a result you will give off positive vibes.

Healthy people are attracted to positive vibes, both physically and psychologically.

This new outlook will, over time, make you more attractive to others who you wish to attract.

If you repeatedly attract and find yourself in relationships with unhealthy people, remember the common thread is you!

First work on yourself everything else will fall into place.

Develop a Personal Improvement Work Plan


Mission: To evaluate and improve myself, my relationships with mate, family, work, education

Vision: To be my best self and to surround myself with healthy people and situations

Values: self care and appreciation, healthy relationships with others

The goal of the Personal Improvement Work Plan is to evaluate where you are, to assess what needs improvement, and to track your progress.

It will offer you an objective way to determine where you stand as well as what needs to be done to reach your goals. Tangible evidence is often a good motivator.

We all have at least one in our lives: that person who seems to exist solely to put you down. Or that bad habit we just want to break because we will become better as a result. The time is now to weed out all negative influences in your life, whether it comes in the form of people, places, or things. If you have that one “friend” who always seems to have a problem with what you wear, how you look, or what you do, it is time to say good-bye. There is no need to be harsh about it because, after all, they are probably just jealous of you in the first place. Despite this, it is good to build a gradual distance between you and somebody who you feel wants (or even needs) to bring you down.

Habits can be Dream Killers:

Examine your habits, like excessive pot smoking , drinking, eating, shopping/spending, sexing, netsurfing, lotto/gambling, mindless TV or anything that robs you of the time, money and energy that you need to reach your goals, and ultimately makes you feel bad about yourself . Once you recognize negative influences, disassociate yourself from them. If you are unable to make these changes alone there are many FREE resources and supports that come in the form of 12 step programs:

Twelve-step methods have been adopted to address a wide range of substance abuse and dependency problems.
Over 200 self-help organizations–often known as fellowships–with a worldwide membership of millions, now employ twelve-step principles for recovery. Narcotics Anonymous was formed by addicts who did not relate to the specifics of alcohol dependency.

Similar demographic preferences related to the addicts’ drug of choice has led to the creation of Cocaine Anonymous, Crystal Meth Anonymous, Pills Anonymous and Marijuana Anonymous. Behavioral issues such as compulsion for, and/or addiction to, gambling, food,

sex, hoarding, debting and work are addressed in fellowships such as Gamblers Anonymous,

Overeaters Anonymous
, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, Clutterers Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous

and Workaholics Anonymous. Auxiliary groups such as Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, for friends and family members of alcoholics and addicts, respectively, are part of a response to treating addiction as a disease that is enabled by family systems.[4]

…there is a program for almost any obsession. An obsession is anything that you cannot stop doing even when you want to or you cannot stay away from even after you have determined that the activity is detrimental to your well being. Obsessions are dream killers! If you are honest with yourself, you will be able to determine if you are living with an obsession.

Your Career

Having work that is gratifying is crucial to a positive sense of self. It is never good to work in an environment where you are disrespected and feel put down. You deserve to do work that you enjoy in a surrounding that support your talents. Having unhealthy working conditions leads to poor self esteem. It is impossible to bring your best self to work if you are feeling unsupported. Find work that allows you to shine! While you may not be able to change your job right away, taking steps in this direction, like beginning a job search or enrolling in a class will net immediate positive feelings…

Remember the longest journey begins with the first step.

One of the most important things that you can do to create serenity in your life is to accept imperfections. Not only in yourself, but in others as well. Despite popular belief, there are no perfect people! Imperfections are what make people interesting, and I would go as far as to say that it is individual idiosyncrasies that develop personalities and relationships. Learn to forgive yourself for imperfections in your personality and appearance, as they are what will make others find you intriguing. Identify and work on your own personality flaws. Accept that imperfections in others are their work and not yours. Forgive others as well, especially your partner. If you learn to forgive yourself and others, and replace frustration with acceptance you will be on the road to becoming your best self.

According to scientific studies, exercising for only 30 minutes releases endorphins (our body’s natural happy drug). This is why regular exercise can help you to see improvement in every aspect of your life, from your body, to sex, to your energy levels, to your sense of well being.

Build in time during the course of each week to do something that you really love.
If you don’t know what that is, spend time finding out, keep trying. You will know it when you find it.

Improving your relationship with your own self will help you to improve your relationships with others—Remember, healthy relationships start with you! 


Special Thanks To My Research Assistant: Aisha Qadeer